Support service brings hope with a Hugg

The Hugg support service was set up in 2016 by Fiona Tuomey. Now a Skibbereen branch is offering support in West Cork to those bereaved by suicide

‘I FOUND my voice to talk about my father again, after I joined a bereaved-by-suicide group.’

So said Amanda Connell, who runs bespoke furniture shop East Meets West in Schull. Amanda’s dad died by suicide 34 years ago at the age of 56.

Living in her native UK at the time, Amanda recalled how no one spoke about suicide back then: ‘That meant that when dad died that was the last time we spoke of him because of how he died. It was a completely taboo subject. I can still remember returning to work afterwards, and it just wasn’t mentioned by any of my colleagues.’

Amanda who is recently retired after working in academia for over 30 years said she was fortunate that she was well supported by the health services and was able to rebuild her life after her dad’s death.

‘I had lots of opportunity to get comfortable with what happened, to realise that the brain is another organ in the body and my father’s brain completely misfired,’ she said.

However, she said that being bereaved by suicide is a very lonely place to be. Driving home from Skibbereen one day she heard a radio ad for bereaved-by-suicide service Hugg and she knew instantly it was something she’d like to be involved in. It offers help and hope to anyone bereaved by suicide, but crucially it’s provided by people who have a lived experience of suicide loss. Fast forward a few years and she now facilitates its new West Cork branch that meets monthly in Skibbereen.

Amanda with the pictures of her father at her home in Schull. (Photo: Carlos Benlayo)

Hugg was set up by Dublin-based Fiona Tuomey, after her 11-year-old daughter Milly died by suicide in 2016. Milly, Fiona said, ‘fizzed rather than lived.’

‘You knew when she was in the room; she was the kid who would do the cartwheel in the middle of the supermarket; she bursting at the seams,’ said Fiona in a recent interview.

In the aftermath of Milly’s death, Fiona searched unsuccessfully for a suicide support group in Dublin, and launched Hugg in 2018. It does not provide counselling or therapy but signposts to other services.

Around 500 people die by suicide in Ireland, affecting an estimated 60,000 friends and loved ones.

Fiona Tuomey, who founded the Hugg service in 2016. (Photo: David Cantwell)

Research shows that people who are bereaved by suicide are at a higher risk for their mental health. The main benefits of being part of a support group are a shared understanding of suicide bereavement, that it’s a safe space to talk, free of judgement, a sense of belonging and connection, that it brings a sense of hope and strength and information and signposting.

The main criteria to be trained as a Hugg volunteer is that you are bereaved by suicide for three years or more. ‘It can be a meaningful way for you to have a real impact on people whose lives have been devasted after a suicide. The path to healing after suicide bereavement is long. But it doesn’t have to be lonely,’ said a spokesperson.

Amanda said that being in a room with people who ‘get it’ is life-affirming.

‘I knew so many people in West Cork bereaved by suicide but nothing is ever said about it. I wanted to be able to offer a safe space to people who could be in a room, and know they were not alone.’

The group meet in the West Cork Hotel, and comprise people of all ages, and stages, on their grief journey.

‘It’s about sharing stories and listening. And it may sound strange but sometimes we even have a laugh!’ she said.

Getting involved with the group has been very rewarding, she said.

‘I found my voice again at Hugg. For the first time, I’ve been able to tell people that I’ve known for 25 years or more, what happened to my dad,’ she said.

‘It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself, I’ve learned so much. The last thing my dad did shouldn’t be what he’s remembered for, but his life. This honours my dad.’

Fiona described Hugg as her love for Milly poured into something practical and useful.

‘It’s her legacy,’ she said.

• Hugg will be one of service providers represented at an event called ‘Living with Loss’ run by the West Cork Bereavement Network on Tuesday, June 18th at 7pm in the Westlodge Hotel, Bantry. If you’re interested in being a Hugg volunteer or attending a meeting see hugg.ie