Emma has been walking and reacquainting herself with the roads around her home, only to run into some obstacles along the way …
• I RECENTLY got myself a pair of new runners and it’s been life-changing. My last pair were around five years old and while they had seen better days, they were still functioning perfectly and in the interest of sustainability I was loathe to retire them. I probably would have stuck with them for another while, except for their complete lack of bounce and the brutal shin splints they were inflicting (is there anything more
painful?).
Anyway, so off I went and got myself a new pair (selecting from an insane choice – seems like runner shopping is now as confusing as jeans shopping!) and they’re like walking on clouds so I’m back pounding the highways and byways like a mad thing. There’s only one slight problem though and that’s all the wildlife I encounter on my routes – namely bulls and yappy
dogs.
For example, my walk the other evening was going brilliantly as I bounced along until I noticed not one but two enormous bulls (definitely bigger than average) in a field ahead.
Now, I’ve an irrational terror of bulls. If there’s one anywhere in the vicinity I’m already planning my escape route or just staying indoors (with the door locked and a hurley to hand). Anyway, not only were these two bulls in a field I had to pass, they were also right inside the ditch, so almost within touching distance.
There was nothing for it but to start reciting my Hail Marys, pick up the pace (not quite break into a run in case that excited them but a definite trot) and ... well, I’m not sure they even looked at me, or if they did it was with complete disdain.
That aside, it still took a while for my heart rate to return to normal, and when it did, a yappy dog appeared. I think he/she may have been more afraid of me because at this stage I had armed myself with a little twig (to do what with I’m not sure) and it just looked quizzically at me from their driveway.
I also had lots of ‘jeepers, what was that?’ moments thanks to rustling crisp wrappers in ditches (unfortunately litter louts are still at large). My original plan was to walk 40 minutes in one direction, and then 40 minutes back but thanks to the bull, the dog and the crisp wrappers my nerves were a bit shot so I just kept on going, a bit like Forest Gump, until I eventually got home, the long way round, by which time the shin splints were sparking up, new runners or not. But no, honestly I love life in the country – so peaceful!
• I’m now at that stage in pre-Communion preparation where I’m on the precipice of madness. At Christmas I made a plan where I’d lose 1lb a week, so by now I’d be many lbs lighter. When I say a plan, I mean that I just talked about it a lot but never really did anything about it, so that that never happened. I’ve been doing the same thing pretty much since 2018 so no real surprises there.
Sure, what about it.
More drastically, I cancelled the painter as I decided I didn’t want anyone in around the house when I had so much still to do myself (mainly, figuring out how to lose many, many pounds in two weeks as opposed to 16).
That was a bit like throwing the baby out with the bath water and I’m very much regretting it and here’s why. When I was choosing my new paint colours, I daubed my samples directly onto the walls instead of sheets of paper. It was a mixture of laziness and excitement, and something I did in not just one room, but many. Actually, there was one room that I did it the proper way, and stuck on the pieces of paper, but when I whipped them down, some of the existing paint came away too. Oops.
Communion time is fast approaching. Emma accidentally daubed her paint samples directly onto the walls instead of sheets of paper, and is regretting cancelling the painter...
And then over the past few weeks we became a bit nonchalant about standards in general, particularly with the puppy, because you know the painter was coming ... except now he’s not, and it’s all my fault. I feel like all we’re missing is some traffic cones and the place would look like a student gaff.
Also does anyone know what the forecast is like in early May because my seating plan most definitely needs sunshine (eg people sitting outside). I wonder is too late to build an extension? A garden room at least? I wonder is this how our mother’s felt when they were having the stations? Half deranged? In hindsight I feel I could have been more supportive.
• Not helping my feeble efforts to spruce up the place is the fact that two pigeons, around 600 crows and a single magpie live in the trees on the edge of the garden and their combined output is frightening. There’s bird crap on the walls, windows, the car ... pretty much everywhere. I’m all for biodiversity but not only are they a filthy bunch, the racket out of them is unreal. What I really need is a family of handsome Hoopoes to move in to elevate the situation. Here’s hoping, or else I need to slap an ASBO on them. I mean, have they even found their communion outfits yet? They are no help.
• Anyway, remember a good while ago I wrote how I was finding the Deposit Returns Scheme, a bit of a novelty, a bit of craic like. Well that feeling has very much passed. I never quite got a proper system in place to handle my cans and bottles, and right now they are all tossed into large container in the boot of the car.
Well they were, until the container runneth over, so they’re basically strewn all over the place and when I open the booth they all spill out and roll in every direction. I keep forgetting to deal with it (middle-age forgetfulness is a big thing) until I open the boot .... usually with the weekly grocery shopping.
Or like this week when I collecting a delivery and the kind proprietor opened up the boot to help and lo and behold was almost knocked over by the tsunami of Coke Zero cans. A few of them weren’t quite empty and they left a little puddle around his feet. ‘Ah modern life eh,’ he good naturedly joked. Good job he didn’t see the charity shop bag I’ve been driving around with since December.
• Finally, lads, what will get us back into routine for the final term of the year? Besides the stressful walks, the poor life choices surrounding painters, and the feeling that the crows are plotting a mutiny against me my Easter
has been lovely – punctuated with plenty of chocolate and relaxed quality family time (for once I’m not being sarcastic). I feel I’ve got a real spring in my step after the break, and it’s not just the new runners. If only I could myself a little treadmill or a walking pad I’d be absolutely flying it.
