‘I Probably messed up, didn’t I?’, ‘You probably think I’m a bad friend, don’t you?’, ‘It’s okay if you think I’m not smart enough, I know I’m not’ – why do some people routinely invite criticism?
These are examples of negative feedback-seeking, a psychological tendency where people actively seek out criticism or unfavourable evaluations from others, often to confirm their negative self-view. This behaviour is closely studied in the context of depression, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships.
Now, some readers might be thinking, isn’t this a veiled way of seeking reassurance? Excessive reassurance-seeking (ERS) and negative feedback-seeking (NFS) can involve statements that seem self-critical or insecure. The key difference lies in intent. If the goal is to disprove insecurity (‘I hope you say I’m okay’), it leans toward reassurance-seeking. If the goal is to confirm negative beliefs (‘I think I’m not okay, and I want proof’), it leans toward NFS.
This raises the obvious question: why would you want to confirm negative views of yourself? It goes without saying that this is bad for your mental health, but it’s hard to change a behaviour if you don’t know what’s driving it.
Essentially, negative feedback-seeking is driven by a deeper need to confirm negative self-views because of cognitive and emotional dynamics that make these views feel predictable, consistent, or even safe, despite being painful.
People may seek feedback that aligns with their existing view of themselves, whether positive or negative, because it provides a sense of predictability and control in how they see themselves and their world. For someone with negative self-views (e.g., ‘I’m unworthy,’ ‘I’m incompetent’), receiving confirmation of these beliefs feels more consistent with their internal narrative. Positive feedback might feel uncomfortable or insincere because it clashes with how they perceive themselves.
All of us are motivated to reduce cognitive dissonance – the discomfort of holding conflicting beliefs or perceptions. For someone with negative self-views, positive feedback creates dissonance. A person with low self-worth might think, ‘If I’m really a failure, why are they praising me? Something doesn’t add up.’ Rejecting positive feedback thus restores an inner sense of consistency.
Safer
Thirdly, positive feedback can feel risky and increase feelings of vulnerability because it raises the possibility of disappointment if the feedback turns out to be insincere or fleeting. Consider someone who believes they are bad. If they get positive feedback, they may feel suspicious (‘They don’t really mean it), anxious (‘What if they change their mind? I’ll feel even worse then’), or defensive (‘They don’t know the real me’).
By contrast, negative feedback, though painful, is predictable and therefore less threatening. It confirms existing expectations, reducing the anxiety of being ‘proven wrong’ later. Negative feedback can feel ‘safer’ because it doesn’t require you to challenge your world-view or risk emotional exposure.
Another reason is that people often gravitate toward familiar emotional states, even if those states are negative. This is especially true for people with depression or a history of low self-esteem. Seeking negative feedback reinforces familiar feelings of sadness, inadequacy, or self-loathing, which may paradoxically feel more manageable than confronting unfamiliar or positive emotions. Positive feedback might feel destabilising or even triggering, as it forces a re-evaluation of deeply-held beliefs.
Negative core beliefs (‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I don’t deserve love’) often develop early in life, sometimes as a result of criticism, rejection, or trauma. These beliefs can become deeply ingrained. Seeking negative feedback acts as a way to reinforce and maintain these core beliefs, which might feel like an essential part of your identity.
Finally, negative feedback-seeking can develop as a learned behaviour, particularly if your early experiences were marked by criticism, neglect, or conditional approval. If your self-worth was tied to criticism (e.g., feeling seen only when being corrected), you might unconsciously seek out negative feedback to recreate familiar relational patterns.
Ultimately, negative feedback-seeking stems from a need for emotional stability, even when the method of achieving it perpetuates distress.
Understanding why you seek critical feedback is key to helping you break the cycle. In my next column, I’ll explore how to do just that.
