IN my last column, I talked about anger – or, more specifically, hostile attribution bias, a thinking style that leads people to misinterpret others’ intentions as hostile or malicious, even in benign or ambiguous situations.
This mindset perpetuates cycles of anger and conflict. It damages relationships and mental well-being. How can it be tackled?
The first step in changing a hostile thinking style is awareness. People often don’t realise their thinking is biased, as it feels automatic and justified. A good place to start, then, is to keep a thought log. When you feel angry or suspicious, write down the triggering situation; your immediate thoughts and assumptions about others’ intentions, how you felt and reacted, and any alternative explanations for the behaviour that initially triggered your anger.
This practice can reveal patterns and illuminate how hostile assumptions drive anger. For example, you might notice you frequently misinterpret minor social slights as deliberate offences.
Once aware of the bias, the next step is to challenge your assumptions. Question whether your interpretation of events is the only, or even the most likely, explanation. Ask yourself: Is there clear evidence the other person intended to harm me? Could their behaviour have a more neutral or benign explanation? Am I projecting my fears or past experiences onto this situation?
Adopting a more empathetic mindset can neuter hostile assumptions. Empathy acts as an antidote to hostility. By actively trying to understand others’ perspectives, you can reduce the tendency to assume the worst. For example, try imagining the other person’s circumstances. What might they be dealing with that explains their behaviour?
Similarly, it’s a good idea to practise active listening in conversations to better understand others’ intentions. Remind yourself that everyone has flaws and moments of distraction or stress; it’s rarely personal.
Learning to regulate emotions can help you respond more calmly and thoughtfully in triggering situations. When anger flares, train yourself to pause before responding. Count to 10, take a deep breath, or step away briefly. This gives you time to assess the situation more rationally and avoid impulsive, aggressive reactions.
Hostile thinking often leads to defensive or aggressive communication. Learning assertiveness can help you express your concerns calmly and constructively without escalating conflicts. For example, instead of accusing your partner of being disrespectful for leaving dishes in the sink, you might say: ‘I noticed the dishes in the sink, and I felt frustrated because I’d hoped we’d tackle it together. Can we discuss how to divide household chores?’ This approach reduces defensiveness in others and fosters co-operation rather than conflict.
Core beliefs
At the root of hostile attribution bias are core beliefs about trust, safety, and vulnerability. These beliefs often stem from past experiences, such as betrayal or neglect, which leave people feeling guarded and suspicious. For instance, you may have a core belief that people are out to get you, or that people are selfish and only out for themselves. A more helpful belief might be: ‘Some people can be selfish, but most people have good intentions, even if they sometimes make
mistakes.’
To reinforce this new belief, it’s important to get into the habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Of course, you may have very good reasons not to give some specific people the benefit of the doubt, but don’t tar everyone with the same brush.
Rewriting core beliefs takes time and practice but can lead to profound changes in how you interpret and respond to others’ actions.
To solidify this new way of thinking, undertake behavioural experiments. These involve testing out more charitable interpretations of others’ actions and observing the results. For example, one experiment might be to assume your partner left the dishes out by accident and ask for their help without accusing them.
Observe their reaction – a positive reaction would indicate the initial hostile assumption was unnecessary. Such experiments build confidence in more balanced interpretations, breaking the cycle of hostility and reinforcing healthier habits.
Remember, thoughts are not facts. Choosing to question hostile thoughts opens the door to a kinder, more compassionate view of the world and the people in it.
